Well i am sitting here after my second day back from training since the accident and at a complete loss. I only had three weeks of so how did i get so weak in that time frame?
I look back over the past 6 months and all the challenges i have had to face, and just suck it up and keep moving forward, all the knock backs, sleepless nights and confusion in the search for clarity.
All the books i have read and research i have done, yet nothing supplies a direct answer, just push forward. This frustrated me even more as i looked harder and harder, yet still no answer.
So i sucked it up and threw myself into training and work, and one thing i have noticed about me is when i focus on something , I’m like a heat seeking missile in that i just lock on and just push harder and harder until something breaks which obviously is not a good thing.
Then sit back and have the normal human thoughts of “ why me” and an ounce of self pity to go with it, instead of focusing on what i am grateful for, i wear myself down with self anger at my failings.
It is a fact i am my own worst critic, which is not always a bad thing, but it does cloud my mind and avoid seeing the obvious.
Only now kicking back am i realising what i haven’t seen and what i haven’t been doing and how i have allowed my mind to be cluttered.
I haven’t been Grateful for the gift of life, or the gifts of friendship , or seeing a beautiful sunrise or sunset, i haven’t taken pride in my “never give in” attitude or my never back down approach to it.
Or that every time you feel knocked down or down and out there is always a lesson to be learned and a valuable one, and that every time i do get knocked down i ALWAYS get back up again.
Why is it these are the thing i admire in other people but ignore within thy self?
I have come to the conclusion i am confusing myself by holding onto old dreams old thoughts and wishes that are not right now
I need to take more time and sit back to smell the roses and gather my thoughts , but in an honest way, not a harsh reprimanding way.
Where will this road i am on take me? At this moment i can honestly say i do not know , my goals and dreams have fallen to the side lines since March, being in a relationship i know is still strong with the right person ,in me but the marriage and raising a family for the moment is not as strong.
I am determined the next person who enters my life will be the right one , and have looked at who and the types of person i have attracted in the past to learn from the mistakes and not take them forward with me . I will not settle on this
But will i be here in six months in Australia? Or doing what i do now ? To be honest i do not know, i know i will continue with training as it keeps my mind and body sharp , but for the rest i cannot say in all honesty or heart that i know.
But see this is a good thing, it is a flushing of old dreams, old emotions .old thoughts which allows anew door to open to New Adventures and new Dreams and that is definitely something to look forward to. As long as i am true to myself and honor that which is me and listen to my heart, all will be as it should be.
So for now and the next few months probably , i will allow myself to be open to new things , new thoughts and new possibilities as the new refreshed version of me grows and becomes whole….and i will learn when it is appropriate to be hard on myself , and when its time to sit back and smell the roses and see how i am really travelling
Keep an eye out , you might just see me ….i will be the guy grinning on his new adventure 
